Wondering. Hmm... Wondering Again. And Dreaming.

i miss this blog. it has been quite a long time since my last post. and usually i will blog when i am sad. hmmm.. don't really like that. if i turn to it when i am down, i should also turn to it when i feel happy.

maybe i have something else on my mind that makes my writing actually means a bit of sumthing else when writing it. hee... i sound confusing. aiyo.. hmm..

maybe there's sumthing i want to talk about, but i don't want to talk about it out loud. see how fussy i am? hee..

i miss some of my friends. i miss them. a lot.

but i am also super duper happy to be surrounded with my family during this hols!! yay!! i remember to be grateful =D yay! i dun wanna be a never ending complaining nana. nope. dun wanna be. so shall not be. hee...

although i know what's most important in this world, i still don't learn my lesson. i am still blind. once i think i am 1 step forward, i will kinda do things that brings my 1 step back again.

and i do it over and over again till i'm fed up with myself.sometimes.

but yes. hope is there. always there. i need more determination from myself. and guidance. yes, guidance....

but it really depends on me. no matter how much guidance i get, but i should be the one who is determined enough to improve myself.

yes.

yup.

yes.

InsyaAllah..

sometimes it just doesn't make sense

i've always looked up to u since i was young.

to me ure always perfect and i can always rely on u.

but now i'm always heart broken with the things u do.

u used to teach me to do the right things.

and u still do.

but now i question myself,

bout the things u do.

it doesn't seem like u're doing the right thing.

and i feel somehow alone in this journey.

u think i'm a grown up girl,

and u can start telling me about life,

but all those things u say bit by bit scrubbing away all those things u taught me,

and no,

i would rather consider myself not an adult,

if u think my age is appropriate for me to hear things that i don't want to,

and it hurts.

i keep it to myself,

everybody has their story,

u have urs, and i have mine,

i'm not saying my story is any greater than yours,

but i can see myself having 2 distinct memories of u,

and i am holding on to the old you.

and please,

i am not ready,

even if u think i am.

and i am no angel,

so please forgive me for all those things that might've hurt you,

but you should know,

that i love u,

it's just that i'm always caught in between,

and too scared to move on,

with the things u say, with the things u do,

and also with the things he says, and the things he does.

and sometimes it's really hard to tell,

what is right,

and what is not,

and i'm not here to judge,

so let only He judge.

and as for me,

i will always love you,

but please remember,

i'll always be your child.

homesick ;( i want the cure now! ;(

waaa.... now im back in jb after around 10 days of my raya hols ;( waaaaaaa..... i feel so sad.. i cant wait for friday! but before friday comes, i will have to go through a lot! ;(
waaaa..... i have pbl tomorrow, which i have not even started doing.. waaaa... i feel soooooooooooooooooo homesick! last night i was watching tv with my fmily around this time ;(
waaa... why did it pass by so quickly...;(

wish me luck for tmorow.
i miss my family ;(
i have so much to tell now but i guess i'll just have to wait till my emo-ness soothes.
owh, i bought blackberry curve for a reallly greaaattt dealll!!
ppl!! i want ur bb pins!! =DD
owh nope. im not dat happy yet. waaa.... wanna go homee!!
but i just read that being grateful is what excellent ppl do! so i shall become grateful! haiyak!
im grateful for everything You have given me ... You know what's best for me! athough now i may not see it, but i know You have ur own plans for me =)
Im grateful!! =D
Thank you Allah!
Now lemme finish up my PBL succuessfully. waaa.. i still feel a bit down.. although a bit better..hee

So many thoughts..

I have decided that I should keep my blog alive so that I would be able to recall some precious memories some day..
And also because i think writing makes me sane sometimes.
Just one of the ways for me to express myself =)

Firstly, I would like to think that I have become a bit matured at least, even by 0.001% =p haha.. I changed the layout and colour of this blog. Sorry for those people who had some difficulty reading my super colourful blog before. And I also have started thinking about my future in a more sensible way. I used to dream of my future too, it's kinda the same with my current dreams, just that I allow myself to give enough spaces to include some of the possibilities that might happen. I shall not say i'm becoming pessimistic, just maybe becoming a bit more sensible? Maybe because somehow I've learned that a lot of my disappointments mainly come from my own expectations. So, if I have expected some not-so-good events to happen, when it does happen, I would me more calm and relaxed? I hope so.

Secondly, even now my brain doesn't come out with weird random words and things that I used to think of last time. Looking back at my previous posts, there were chicken in one sentence, and cat and meow and purr and haiyak in the whole next sentence =p Maybe I have somehow shifted myself from a fairytale i created for myself to finally, the real world. I don't know whether it's good or bad. Or am i becoming a bit boring. I hope not. Let's just say this is part of me growing up.

Thirdly, I would like to list some of what Mr. Bf has mentioned about me so far =p :
1) I get grumpy when I'm sleepy and I get hyper when I'm happy =p (he always says that i react like a baby =p, which i will take as a compliment =p hahaha... at least im 'awet muda' rite? =p *perasan*)
2) I will talk non stop if I'm talking about something that I find interesting, or I would just mumble something that he can't even understand if I'm talking about something that i don't really like / not sure of =p
3) I'm very garang nowadays.. =( (im not sure is it bcos of the stress, or the unstable hormones, or im just getting meaner =( ) waa.... i think i realise this a bit as i become a lil impatient sometimes..*sigh*
4) I tend to scream on the phone if I wanna throw tantrums, and it hurts his ears =p he says that the pitch is too high and it is tiring to listen to them =p) hahaha..
5) He says he knows me very well.. (hmm.. not really actually =p hahaha.. i dont wanna be that predictable, boringla.. =p but i have to agree partially, since he knows me well after my twin and parents =) basically i always inform him when i don't feel so good or maybe when im too excited about something =p

i cant really remember what else.. but im very sure there's more..=p we've been together for almost 3 years +.. i can say that he has been a very understanding person, and he has never really been mad at me (as long as i can remember) =)..waa... i feel so guilty that i have merajuk with him for so many rillion times ;( i'm sorry, but it just so happens that emotions are a big part of me =p i will try my best to reduce the level of merajukness =D

ok, thats all for tonite..its 3.30 am in the morning =) i should get my sleep.hehe..

I AM BACK!! =D

i just realised i havent been blogging
and that's not good. the computer has always been my greates fan in listening to all my weird2 thoughts.
now i come back running to u, dear bloggie.
sorry sooo much i have abandoned u ;(
hehe..
guess what? i have some weird thoughts about myself.
even i scare myself off.
maybe u dont know what i mean.
but i dont know either.
and there has been a lot of things happening to me since i last blogged!
waa....so i dont know where to start.
i want to cry.
i dont even know how to blog now.
waaa............
i miss me.
if i even know what that means.
lately i have been trying to define myself.
and i think i have multiple personalities.
and that makes it even harder.
im confused, with some confusing statement.
bluek! waaaaaaaa.............nananananana!!! wake up!! waa..nananana!! i lurve u!!